The visit home for Thanksgiving is one place where expectations rarely meet reality for both parents and students.
College students returning to the nest typically display some combination of the three R’s: Rebellion, Regression and Reconnection.
Rebellion: This often occurs when parents place strict rules on their returning children. “You’ll follow my rules in my house.” That hostile greeting is usually followed by “I’ve been independent for the last three months, you can’t treat me the way you treated me in high school!” Avoid the drama by avoiding the same arguments. Talk with your teen about what will work for everyone. Be willing to compromise and understand they’re making adjustments too. This is a great time for parents and children to “walk a mile in their shoes”.
Regression: These are the kids who come home and somehow forget how to toast a piece of bread or make their bed. They revert to much younger versions of themselves, happily basking in their dependence. These teens thoroughly enjoy being catered to and not having to make any decisions. They will not be happy about doing their own laundry and they will whine about cleaning their room. Their dependence and feigned incompetence can be very frustrating.
Reconnection: Reconnecting with old friends is the Thanksgiving mantra; and it’s particularly true for freshmen. They view this Thanksgiving-mini vacation as a time to regroup with their high school friends more than with their family. One mom told me that she never saw her son. “After he dropped off his laundry bags he was out with his friends. I never knew if he was coming home for dinner or what to expect. I was hurt that he didn’t make more time for us.”
Parents look forward to this break as an opportunity to reconnect with their children. Families prepare favorite meals, purchase the old standby snacks and have expectations of hanging out together like old times. Returning students are caught somewhere in the abyss between house-guests and high schoolers; unable to figure out where home really is.
What’s a parent to do? Who are these semi-strangers inhabiting your child’s bedroom? Wouldn’t it be nice if both parents and students recognized what each other is going through? Parents don’t want to know intimate details of their children’s partying habits but they want and feel they deserve to know if their kids are happy? What are they doing besides going to class? Who are they friends with? What do they like and not like about college? Returning students want to be shown a measure of respect for the independence they’ve maintained over the last several months. It’s a time of transition for everyone.
College Notes
SAT – January 23rd, registration deadline: December 15
ACT – February 6th, registration deadline: January 5th
